mkbnett

From August 11th to August 22nd I attended a free 10-day silent meditation course at the Dhamma Dhara Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelbourne, Massachusetts. I decided to sign up for this course after 3 different trusted friends shared very positive experiences with Vipassana courses to me in conversation, completely independently.

The best comment came from my friend Henry when he said, "I was in the best mood of my life for about a month afterwards. Nothing could get me down. ...Oh, and I had the best sex ever."

Depressed and feeling quite disassociated for some time, I figured this might help. So, after reading over their website and the course materials included in the application, I signed up. A representative called about a week later to confirm and see if I had any questions. I had written on my application my studies in Nature Awareness and Reiki healing and they wanted to ensure that I'd give up all other spiritual practices for the 10-days in order to give the technique a fair trial. I agreed and beyond that I didn't do any more research into Vipassana's history or the teacher or the center or it's lineage or anything. Just waited for the next couple months and arrived without much experience in meditation or knowledge concerning the technique.

The first few days went well. I had gotten a last minute ride from NYC with some very nice folks from the center's rideshare sub-site, and the first night of attentive nasal breathing and quieting the mind put me in a good mood. Mid-second day I shouted at myself in my head, as the sarcastic sophomoric side just wouldn't shut up. Still, I got through it, we (body-mind-spirit) got through it and raised ourselves up a little, heh.

By the third day I had already broken my promise to abstain from all other activity besides meditation, reflection, and simple stretching. My mind hated the torturous pace of it's training, so quickly and forcibly quitting my addiction to thought, cold-turkey. I was going through some withdrawal. In order to keep going without pushing myself over the edge, I redirected all this unsettled energy into secretly practicing Wing Chun stances in the woods, in the bathrooms, in the showers, in my pup tent and even while walking, tensing all of my muscles at once and trying not to shake too hard.

I had to use this extra energy somehow, so I channeled this superhero resolve into the goal of not only learning this meditation technique, but to also come out of the week with the strength and flexibility to maintain a military-style upright posture at all times. Sneaking around felt both fun and mildly dangerous, as the story of getting expelled from a meditation center seems like it'd always be a good one to tell.

On the fourth day, I felt I'd mastered the techniques we had learned thus far, and was also quite satisfied with the advancements I'd made in my physique. I began mixing the two activities both within the meditation hall and out. For several of the 1-hour sittings of Strong Determination, where one takes it upon himself to not change position for the entire time, I chose positions that were somewhat concealed half-squats. Looking like a seated position with hands resting on my knees, in actuality my ass barely touched the kneeling bench, my legs flexed leaning forward as my arms held my hands a hairs-width above my kneecaps. I sweated profusely and felt glad to have been assigned a zabuton in the rear of the hall, almost entirely hidden from the view of the assistant teacher. After each of such sittings, the others walked slowly and contemplatively, while I attempted to conceal energetic bounds and clothes soaked all the way through.

By the fifth day, I'd had it. Sure, I immediately gained intense sensitivity and my body was developing a protective sheath of smooth muscle, but.. why was I there? What the hell did this have to do with Rewilding and my personal philosophy? Then the answer came about halfway through that night's video discourse by S. N. Goenka.


(Process of vipassana: The body and it's many sensations, both on the skin and internally act as the object of the mind's direct perception. In order to perceive subtler and subtler sensations for longer periods of time, one trains the mind to quiet and not judge each sensation as good or bad, positive or negative. Focus of the mind is first developed through attention to breath only (Anapana). Then one's awareness is brought to the sensations on the upper lip and within the nostrils. From there, one brings the attention to the top of the head and begins passing it over the surface of the entire body. As one repeatedly scans the body, the entire membrane of the skin becomes sensitive, like how the act of slowly brushing small amounts of thick dust off a large painting may reveal a small image at first stroke, and through continued practice eventually the whole picture comes into view. This technique is then repeated internally with dimensionality added to scan from head to toe like a CAT scan. As one continues, one obtains deeper and subtler sensitivity until the feeling of rigidity of the body completely disappears and there is a constant experience of flowing sensation. Ultimately, through intense continued practice one may even obtain awareness of the rising and passing of subatomic particles that Buddha dubbed Kalapas, and some believe to be the "strings" of String Theory.)

Great. ..What the hell does this have to do with Rewilding? I don't want to be an enlightened Buddha just sitting under a tree pondering and feeling my body. I want to hunt and gather and tend the wild and and and.

Exactly. Let's sum up, so:

* Gautama Buddha believed in undomestication.
* He developed the technique of Vipassana Meditation, intended to result in
o deep insight,
o superhero awareness,
o and pleasant contentment with any and all sensations, even death pangs.

Now, let's combine the two in a Rewilding context.

If you don't live in a house, say, if you are a primate, a chimpanzee or bonobo for example, one doesn't build a house. It's not because you aren't smart or can't fathom making a house, it's that you don't desire to build one. You feel the rain upon you, and it is pleasant. You feel the cold, and it is pleasant. You feel the heat, and it is pleasant. You work to live, and live to work, and it is pleasant. No judgement.

Those raised in industrial civilizations domesticated environs have been coddled their whole lives and never learned to love whatever comes and passes. Temperature-controlled air conditions, water-heaters and faucets, refrigerated beverages, ice on-demand, dry cushy warm beds, food at any whim, all these dull the senses and enable the mind to be lazy, touchy, and miserable. Still, a craving for this "normalcy" develops. Similarly, those in civilization raised without these luxuries are aware of them and often develop a craving for them as well, due to cultural valuation of such amenities.

instructs that in order to perceive subtler and subtler sensations for longer periods of time, one trains the mind to quiet and to act equanimously with each sensation. This means that regardless of the type or quality of the sensation, be it painful or pleasurable, one refrains from judging it as good or bad, positive or negative. Ultimately, through intense continued practice supposedly one may even obtain the sharpness of awareness to experience the rising and passing of subatomic particles within the body, which Buddha dubbed Kalapas, and some believe to be the "strings" of String Theory.

Anywho, I'm at Stagecoach, this faux country western music festival, the kind that Jeff Bridges character in Crazy Hearts hated, then came to terms with, and still secretly hated though felt somewhat contented that they paid him well. I just really wish these people would buy some pizza. I'm working for this company called spicy pie who's pretty rad - we get krizzy each night together after we clock out. i'm on the free internet here cause I haven't even worked today and I'm not sure when I will... hopefully friggin soon. Instead of tents, most stay in RV's at this 2 day camping festival. There are lots of bikes, which I didn't expect - cruisers that I suppose they strap to their RV's and roll out to avoid walking - smart move. Cowboy hats made in China sit atop muscled torsos that got their workout at the gym instead of the farm, California board shorts hide the genitals of the males and daisy duke jean shorts over fluorescent bikinis for the gals. The middle aged folks seem slightly more authentic, though to a limited degree. Suburbanized in their White Golf shirts and khaki shorts with last year's straw cowboy hat for the men, and tight off-white capris for the women with straight white sleeveless dress-t-shirt//moo-moos and strap on thick platforms or cowgirl boots

Only a few outright assholes thus far, most fools inaccurately calling me a hippie. Some fun playing soccer and teaching guitar to the little kids from the MexiCali food booth, and one of the college-aged-volunteers asked to take a picture of me cause she said I look good, so I obliged.

I worked Coachella last week and didn't expect to work this week. It's kinda great, like being a carnie or a circus kid - so many people and this odd bond with the other vendors. Get to feel like family fast with the folks in yer own company cause you camp & work & party 24/7 - so there's no room for judgement or stupidness cause we all gotta get through it together. Coachella was crazy busy - working 8am till 1:30am each for 4 nights and setup and breakdown afterwards. Sorta like bootcamp, it kicked my ass physically, mentally, and spiritually. Had to learn how to be nice and quick with all the different customers, while there was always a line 20 people deep. Plus, I've been in hibernation for 6 months, so even standing and using my body to make pizza for that long was difficult physically. My arms felt dumb, and I'd use them in weird ways that would make them hurt. Same thing with my legs for standing up. My ankles and knees swelled up (but they went back down). My right ankle broke out in this weird rash - 2 different weird rashes actually. First one, then I put arnica gel on it, then as that one was healing, another one showed up that looked more like a strange spotty bruise. The second one is fading now.

I really like most of the folks I work with - Every One Is A Character, and I care about them more each day. Plus, I came at this crew as my vulnerable wacky self. Still learning to open up more and be more confident - it's a total trip. Breathing hot, cleansing breath all the time.

My body feels wrung out and renewed. Still a few aches and pains, but worlds different in awareness. My left hip was aching and I tossed and turned all night... still went to bed early so over the course of the night I slept 8 hours I suppose. My neck and spine are straightening out and I'm learning to keep my chin up. I forget sometimes, cause it's a big effort still, though it does feel great that I can tell I'm making progress. I feel better when I stand up straight and I can tell I'm more balanced on my feet and that overall it uses less energy.

Stoked to heal myself of arthritis completely, ...and also to get my injection when I get home to cover all the bases - I'm a couple weeks overdue from my medicine and I can feel the difference.

Hrmm... what else... start working for the census 2 hours after my flight lands in Philly and I set the intention now that I feel and am healthy in regards to my eyes and arthritis and overall, so that I may do my work honestly my first days.

Stoked to sell clothes and art with AC Slater at First Fridays in Philly... and also thinking of doing it in Baltimore and NYC in the summertime when my census gig is up. Glad to have money in my pocket and an income.

two days ago, before going to my older brother's birthday party, i sobbed my first, "holy shit, the process of civilization is really destroying the natural world, literally." for about a half an hour or so.

i was driving to my parent's suburban home, where i grew up, hauling a load of wood chips i'd picked up for their landscaping.

some pearl jam song came on the radio and i looked around me and i finally perceived that the suburbs around me were the weirdest forest ever, and they didn't want to be.  huge faux-colonial homes sat on topsoil-less lawns surrounded by white plastic fences - every shaped shrub looked ungratefully shorn, not unlike a naked puffy vulva.  and i thought of how it came to be that way, and the sense of wonder and enchantment that had been stripped of that place, and further, stripped from me.

the only creatures that looked vibrant and hopeful were the mushrooms. the awesome little detrivores actively composting and transforming the whole shameful death operation into one of life, myth, and wonder again. they brought me back to a smile through the sobs.

don't get me wrong though, the sobs were what i'd been yearning for, and i'd love some more now.

to feel again, to really get into the pulse of the world.

i also wasn't just mourning the loss of the natural mystical world, either.  i was also missing the promises of my childhood.  i ran along those streets and tried my best to believe their stories of the world.  i did my damnedest to align myself with their hopes and dreams, and felt disgusted with myself that i couldn't.  that somehow i was alone and wrong in my perception of the emptiness and shallowness of the cultural practice of western civilization.  but i wasn't mourning the death of that belief, but rather the truth of it.

i've been trying so hard to hold onto that other culture, that civilizing process, as a decent way of being or at least salvagable.

this first sob was more like an admission, an admission that w.c. is not salvagable, that it is in fact terrible, that it is in fact destroying the world and does not and has not built relationships or connections with the fellow species that humans share this land with.

most of what i experienced really goes beyond words.  i suppose that's why crying expressed it, as opposed to a thoughtful essay.
it was a different crying than i'd ever really had before - "sobs" keeps coming to mind.

i'm rambling now, but i so look forward to the next installment, :1

my understanding of animism is that everything matters, everything is important, and the way that we relate to everything and everyone is important/essential to fully being alive.

this can mean a few things:

1. if one is already mentally constricted, before this one can have a relationship with another being, this one needs to believe in the potential that another being exists. If not mentally constricted, if not indoctrinated with non-animist beliefs, skip to #2.

2 a. in order to develop and maintain a relationship, one needs to sense (to develop and maintain "contact" or "awareness" of) another being's current/fluid state of existence in it's many forms (5 senses, plus vibing with the heart, plus others as yet unknown).

2 b. once one senses the existence or the potential existence of another being, one must mentally grant this being the capability of perceiving/awareness of one's own state of existence, especially if one's senses are out-of-practice to the degree that one cannot immediately sense the interplay between one and another being.

3. if mentally constricted, one must mentally grant the potential for unique and different meanings behind another being's quality and/or expression of existence. The meaning of one's own (or of that meaning observed in a different being) for similar expressions of existence may inform understanding of but do not proscribe the same meaning for similar expressions. (why with-hold judgment?)

4. in order to discern (to sense and be aware of) the unique meaning in the subtle qualities of another being's existence, one must sense this being's existence for an extended period of time without attempting to discern meaning (judgment), or to sense this being's existence for a shorter period of time (still without judgment) and to inquire about the meaning of certain observed changes in qualities.

5. there is more than one way to perceive the world.

I'm thankful to have lived within the wilds and laughingly spiritually expanded/got wilder and continue to do so with a tribe of people and with the tall and small trees, shrubs, herbs, vines, ground-covers, roots, and the four-leggeds and friends on the land. and with the bacterias and protozoas and fungis and bugs and insects and worms and animals of the soil, and with the two-leggeds - birds, bats - bugs, weather and clouds of the air, and with the fish and friends of the waters, and with the great spirits - the ancestors, the future generations, the four directions, the thunder gods, and the mysterious powers of the now.

ANIMISM.

I'm thankful to have rocked the fuck out and pushed hard at house shows, basement shows and big venue shows, too, at protests, at work, in student governments, in relationships, at school, in U.S. politics/government, and on the internet with various groups of people-friends and with the non-human rad beings there even though I was unaware of/unconscious of their presence/presents/prescience/consciousness/awareness.

GHOULSTOCK PUNK ROCK PEOPLE-ONLY/ONLY-PEOPLE-MATTER SOCIETY.

Have You Read any Derrick Jensen?
http://www.endgamethebook.org/

Here's a lecture from him, :1, I think you'll dig it, :1.



Also, how to get all of our needs met outside of the system, Permaculture, ReWilding, and EcoDefense

Permaculture:


ReWilding:


EcoDefense:

haven't watched this one yet, saving it to watch with Alana, :1

or better yet:

holy shit this is so good. visual poetry of the moment

all the people around me are incredibly rad, beyond any possible reality i could imagine, haha, and i love them. i love them so much!

:*  to alana

Current Music: http://207.228.243.82/crud/herpes.mp3

 yesterday was good. focused on breath. sprinted and got into my body via jogging with good posture and a loose face (apparently, i've grimaced every time i've ever ran, as far as i can remember). worked canvassing and did well & focused on my breath & posture and those of the folks at the door as well - an interesting consciousness-expanding 2 person game, heh.

realized i'd been in hell in my mind for years, hating myself as everything i dreamed of came true mostly how i'd imagined it though with some discrepancies, and never letting it sink in long enough to feel it out/be deeply thankful for it and always wanting more while being on guard and always waiting for some hidden punch around the corner, so never feeling safe enough to work with it and refine/heal/grow with it... patience, safety. ...so i got a bunch of herbs from people's for long term stress & depression, all the stuff that people's had that i didn't yet have from that section from the male herbal that ariel read to alana and i over dinner awhile back: st. johns wort, damiana, licorice stix, skullcap, sumac berries, american ginseng and devil's club. when i got home, i gushed to tom about all the b.s. stress that i'd been accumulating for years and years on end - it was such a cathartic release. i think because of his co-counseling experience, he's learned to listen to other people's issues without taking them in personally, which allows for that catharsis to take place on it's own in other people without giving them advice or inciting a sympathetic response in himself. it was rad and i look forward to doing co-counseling stuff with tom to learn how to be a better healer and to help heal his male self, too (there's men's co-counseling and i think women's? or maybe just mixed gender and women's...? from their website: http://www.cci-usa.org/what_is.htm there's one group in long island: